Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
