you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
