Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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