Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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