I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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