If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
