At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
