Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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