If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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