my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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