Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
