I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
