So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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