Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there was a trapeze. enough said
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
