Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
