You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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