So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
