I got chris browned last night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
