You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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