know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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