Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
