I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
