im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
