if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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