he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
