If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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