yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
