i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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