Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
