My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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