the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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