I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just pee around me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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