You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
