i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
