I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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