just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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