I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
