Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
