Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
