its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
