Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
