It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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