i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
