Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
