I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
