i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
