After last night, I could never be a politician.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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