I bet he comes in French.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
