hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
