Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
