I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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