I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
